Updated: Apr 17, 2020
By Hiral Kaup
Contributing Author for Spark Igniting Minds
It was February 14, 2018. The world was busy celebrating Valentine’s day. Ananya stood at the window of the hospital room watching her husband Anant step out of the hospital gate. He crossed the road and went across to where his car was parked. She was waiting for him to turn around and wave out to her. Silently she kept telling herself that she would not wave back at him. But, sadly he did not turn back, even to give her a glance. He unlocked the car, got into the front seat and drove off.
Ananya’s eyes welled up with tears. She burst into tears and the soft sobs suddenly became loud cries, only to be stopped by the demanding cry of her new-born hungry infant. She turned away from the window to look at her baby boy, whom she had delivered just yesterday. Ananya lifted her son and started nursing him. As the new-born struggled to suckle, she drifted back into memory lane.
It was the 14th of June 2016. Exactly twenty months ago when she was sitting in a restaurant dressed in a salwar suit with her prospective groom, the one whom her parents had chosen for her. In traditional Indian arranged marriages, the boy’s family has an upper hand in accepting or rejecting a girl and no questions are asked further. Once the boy’s side has accepted or agreed, the girl can reject the proposal only if she has good enough reason to “not marry” the guy, and not good enough reasons “to marry” the guy. Such was the culture in her family even in today’s day and age. Of course, she did not have too many reasons to cite for rejecting the guy. Hence, she landed up agreeing to marry him, though she resolved to make him completely aware of her tastes, likes and dislikes before the marriage took place.
The engagement ceremony took place. It was followed by a courtship period of nine months before the wedding. The courtship period was heavenly. The two of them would speak to each other for hours every day and meet every day after work. Every weekend they would go out for movies, lunch, dinner and spend the whole day together. There was an exchange of lovely cards and he showered her with gifts. By the end of nine months, Ananya was convinced that she and Anant were made for each other and that marriages were truly made in heaven.
Their wedding took place with great pomp and splendor. The honeymoon was a great time too. Ananya moved into Anant’s house where his parents and younger brother also stayed. Ananya had visualized herself and Anant eating meals together, leaving for work together, going out from work and then coming home. However, once the two of them got back home and started their routine of going to the office, things just changed.
Earlier Anant would keep calling up Ananya throughout the day but now not a single phone call! If Ananya would call up Anant, she would get a standard reply, “I am busy, is there anything urgent?” or “I am busy. I shall call back” (of course the ‘call back’ never happened). Ananya had dreamt of going to work together and coming back together but none of that happened. She started wondering if Anant was the same person she had agreed to get married to! He was a different person altogether in the presence of his family. She tried talking to him but he would say she was being silly and got irritated. They would end up having arguments and fights. Before she could gather herself, she was pregnant. Ananya was not ready for a child, but Anant was overjoyed and so were his parents and her parents. So, she went through the full term and here she was in the hospital with her new-born. Knowing well that she would be in the hospital for delivery during Valentine’s Day she had purchased a gift and a card for Anant, well in advance. The gift was wrapped with a lot of effort and placed in her hospital bag so she could give it to him on Valentine’s Day and she did so.
Of course, she expected a gift and a card in return, but neither happened. She got the standard “Thank you!” This time she asked him about her gift and the reply was, “You are in the hospital. I was busy with you. I did not even think of buying anything. We can celebrate later”. It was too much for her. She retorted, “If I could plan in advance knowing I will not be able to move out, why could you not do the same? You are a changed person now.” For the umpteenth time in the last year they had a fight. And like always he stormed out of the hospital room. She asked herself: Did he truly love me during the courtship period or was he playing around? Whatever he was doing for me during my pregnancy, was it out of love or responsibility? What went wrong after we got married and were back from their honeymoon? Have I made the wrong choice? Did I make the wrong choice? Are we out of our senses when we took the decision of spending the rest of our lives with each other?
TWO WONDERFUL INDIVIDUALS FALL IN LOVE AND BECOME PERFECT STRANGERS IN A MARRIAGE. WHY?
Haven’t we heard of the so-called “Love” vanishing from marriages? Once in marriage the “love” vanishes from the “I love you”, then only the “I” and “You” remain. The biggest question is “WHERE AND HOW DOES THE LOVE VANISH?” A relationship dies when you stop looking outside and start looking inside. You look at yourself, your wants, your desires. Love and desire are completely different.
WHAT IS LOVE?
We often define Love as an emotion. But the fact is there are only four emotions: Joy, Grief, Anger, and Touch. When you are comfortable in expressing these four emotions with a person you say you are in love with that person. The beauty of love is felt when you are able to share yourself fully with this person. Love is a decision that you make to express and share all four emotions with “that one” person.
Love = What I have - Desire = What I want
Love is to enjoy something and Desire is to want something in the future. When Desire is not fulfilled, Love vanishes. The “I” becomes more important than the “You” for both partners and that is when “Ego” comes into the picture and love exits. When the ego becomes bigger than love then there is fault-finding and finger-pointing. The two “very nice people” gather all their energies and wait for an opportunity to attack the other. Dirty linen then gets washed in public. Children are the ones who suffer because the child will follow or ape any one parent and the imprint created as a child stays till he is an adult. So as individuals both the “I” and the “You” are two very good people and nice people but together they spell disaster. Both the “I” and the “You” are unable to fulfill their emotional needs (Anger, Grief, Joy, and Touch) through their partners, thus creating a vacuum.
A woman from the time she is born goes through various physical and emotional changes because of which by nature she is emotional and highly insecure. She looks for emotional security in a man be it her father, brother or husband. Being emotional by nature, when she loves, she gives with her mind, body, and soul. Hence, she needs a regular assurance of feeling loved and being loved and that her man is there for her today and forever.
For a woman, the expression of love covers a lot of areas.
Communication flow: She wants her partner to keep expressing his love for her at regular intervals.
Little gifts and cards: She wants a steady flow of small little things like cards and gifts. She would rather prefer one little inexpensive gift every week rather than one expensive gift once in two years.
Service: She likes her partner doing things for her like giving her a massage, dropping her to work, helping her around the house, etc.
Good listener: A woman wants her partner to listen to her every day, acknowledge when she speaks and at the same time she wants her partner to share what is happening in his life as well.
Touch: She wants a hug, cuddle, a form of touch regularly.
What are the needs of a man?
Focus: A woman can multitask and focus on multiple tasks at the same time but a man cannot. A man unlike a woman is generally practical and focused. He sets a goal for himself and will do everything within and beyond his means to achieve his goal. Once his goal is achieved, he creates a new goal for himself. Hence, once he has married the one he loves, his goal is met.
Providing Security: Once a man has put the ring around his loved one, he will now change his focus to providing financial security to his family. For him, an expression of love is providing financial security.
Physical Intimacy: Sex plays a major role in a man’s life, unlike a woman.
Personal Space: A man needs his space. After a day’s work, he likes to be by himself for some time to recharge his batteries and switch focus from work to family. Once he has charged his batteries he is all there for his family. He may charge himself by watching TV or spending time on the net or reading books. But that “me time” is critical for a man.
Hence the mantra for success in marriage is to fall in love with a person with whom you can do what you want them to do. Fall in love with a person whose four emotional needs you can fulfill. The problem arises because we give too much of what we want without knowing. Remember Love is emotional and not logical.
Communication is a critical function of love. One should communicate in a manner that indicates what one wants rather than what others should do. The key to establishing a good relationship is communicating in a manner that deepens bonds.
It is conflict and not communication when the aim is towards demeaning, tagging and nagging the other. The words uttered by either or both are often misunderstood even before completion as either or neither is listening. The husband says something and the wife acknowledges it for something else.
Then, there is a wide ocean of emotions, he trying to explain what he meant and she is trying to justify her understanding. So, the next time your partner comes to you asking for something, first say what he/she wants to hear and then say what you want to convey. Balancing life between security and adventure is a must between two people. It is important for people to work more on themselves and not on others. What is one’s contribution to a relationship needs to be assessed by oneself at regular intervals!
If he gives what she wants and she gives what he wants without expecting anything in return, Marriage becomes bliss.
About the Author
Hiral Kaup is a Hypnotherapist, Reiki practitioner and certified NLP practitioner. Having completed her masters in financial management, she served in reputed foreign banks, her last stint being the National Head for Communications. Following a career spanning 22 years, she chose to pursue her passion. She enables people to create wonderful relationships, resolves mental health issues and lives healthy mentally and physically.
Her passion for writing, painting and creative art furthers her purpose of following the cause of contribution. She has co-authored 2 books. Her vast reading and a strong belief in spirituality led her onto the path of self-awareness.